reBIRTH

I'm here again
That familiar space
Loneliness
It feels like home
No one to understand
Because the need for
Companionship is strong

Sorrow follows this time
The everchanging need
For me
Isn't the obvious
So I prolong
That feeling so strong
And obvious

32 years still strong
But a explorat
By choice
Not convenience
I'm confused at the needs of others
The feeling so familiar
Of being with "one" another

Traditions are grandiose
& elaborate thoughts
Of past times
Not quite our familiar times
So thoughts are never wanted
But ever so telling.

I sit here...and think.
Time has a way of letting you know
How relevant things are
Even after the climax
The moment I felt so vulnerable
To the point of holding on to a moment
or a situation
instead of realizing and letting go
Now, just thinking
and reminiscing
Feels real different then holding on
But knowing and acknowledging
Yeah, that's it...it's done.
The thoughts of he
are just that, thoughts
I still and will always love him
For what he was
And that bring tears
Yes, I move on and love harder
And not take for granted anything
Not even the way things are in society
And how we must manage together
I'm aware of my faults now
I'm me...and I want someone who cherishes
Just that...me.
Secrets aren't secrets
Just ways of communication
I'll show you the road map
You must follow the points
And understand the code.
That means, vulnerability is your key
Patience is your compass
And time is your map.
I sit and wait.

New Year, and I'm 31 as of July 6th...

I would say some shit like, "Never would've believe where I am today", but that's not my train of thought. Just grateful that I made it this far (cliche), but honestly, living in the present is hard and consequential. People don't like you, you aren't liked, you are hated...wait isn't that the same statement in different variations, yes indeed...that has been the most difficult for me to get over. People, IN GENERAL, do not enjoy my rebellious attitude towards this life. I've decided to not conform, just don't think its natural...don't want to fall in love once, but many times (even though that was forced), I understand the idea. I am just passing through this one (meaning life), I believe. Even though it has happened before (I believe), this isn't it for my soul or spirit. I am still unknowing and it makes me crazy and fearful, trying to let go of that fear...really want to be free of it, its the death of many and what a way to go.

The present is now, and it feels good now and I'm sure and know of now.

There's no mystery here, just a woman waiting for conversation and vulnerability, because I am not accepting anything less...and when its less, there's the mystery...simple. Love experiences so that I can learn more, so anything goes, but do indeed learn from them.

Is this real, this
What do we call this feeling
An urge to bear all but hold on
Feeling all too conflicted
"Do I dare say"
What is on my mind
 Me, is it who they really see
Or is this act skilled?

Cracking at the edges
How long can I keep this up?
Medicate, medicate
Expose, expose
Truth, but in a distorted image
Not me.

Support is fleeting
Just as the many situations encountered
Some how
Everyone is
Lost and unknowing

Just grasping for known parts
That doesn't exist in the "NOW".

Feeling free, lost, and unknowing is home. There's no wrong or right, because limits don't exist, only commitments to those who we love, which inevitably limit us as well.

Of all the places I thought I would be
I am here.

I'm not sure of tomorrow
And I try not to regret yesterday
But I want to appreciate now.

Here
Here is where I always wanted to be
I didn't know it until now.

Its familiar and its comforting
Now, here.

I am no one
I know nothing
But I am sure of now.

Here.

no apologies...
no regrets...
this is who i am
what?
i cant fit that mold, mode, whatever
it is me
me is who I am
I represent me...
i've tattooed what i rep
LOVE
so dont bring the shit
the bullshit, the hate
ha...

"Sometimes you fall in love the wrong way, in things that are just pleasant. It needs to pinch and hurt a bit, in order to receive a lasting meaning." -Christian Boros (Art Collector)

"creativity is innately feminine" (Maxwell)...we're living in a world that is lacking creativity...the "now" is interesting, but not creative.

NEVER A DAY IN VAIN...

Blindfolding yourself
And subduing your light
Will cause you pain
In the worst way
In the form of self hatred
Self pity
And spite to others

Know your shame
Know your worth
Claim your shortcomings
Claim your blessings
Once you find those all
You will not falter or
Fall...

But instead,
STAND
in the toughest storm
And conquer it all.

*TB*

Graffiti, Cadiz Spain

Watching Felicity on Netflix brings back memories...oversized cardigans, untamed hair, classic black/white chucks, awkwardness to the next level...